the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
two words: eviction party
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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