remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
