a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
