Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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