I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
