??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
