Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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