I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
