I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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