oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
