At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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