can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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