Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
