Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize