Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
