um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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