The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize