My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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