i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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