wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize