I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
