The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
