I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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