Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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