kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
