The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
