I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize