I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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