I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
