dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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