we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize