Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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