SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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