I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
