ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
