we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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