I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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