Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
