sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
