Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
