my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
