woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
