I need help removing her.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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