OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
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