Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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