and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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