You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
