Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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