I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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