I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
