Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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