she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
