I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
