you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
