my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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