dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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