6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how can u be prego again
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
