saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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