apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize