Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
