I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
