Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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