I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
