so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
