so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize