he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
