Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
