Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
