Someone shit on the floor
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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