Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
