Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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