if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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